I Know CPR. Phoenix Edition

It's time for NASCAR to implement a dedicated professional safety team to provide emergency medical services for all sanctioned events. Especially, the Nationwide Series.

Fortunately for NASCAR, I'm an expert in that field.

I didn't invent CPR. My experience in emergency medicine and innovative teaching methodology has allowed me to improve upon traditional CPR.

First, we have to understand the benefits of CPR (Crybaby Preventive Resources). Prevention is paramount. Unfortunately, sh!t happens. As professionals, we must be competent and capable to quickly respond to all critical situations.

For instance, today's Nationwide race at Phoenix. The signs and symptoms were obvious. Early in the race, the sentinel event was unfolding. Early intervention was ignored and the conditions worsened. No surprise. Avoidable? Probably not. I'm not qualified to diagnose mental status, only to treat the symptoms.

We're accustomed to the antics of Kryle Busch. Concessions have been made and appropriate adjustments with proper medication have affected positive results. Not a success story, but we're only concerned with making some measureable level of progress.

Unfortunately, I underestimated the possibility of residual transference of CPR to others. Medicine is not an exact science.

I've confirmed Denny Waamlin suffers from CPR. Worse, the entire JGR #18 and #20 Nationwide teams have contracted CPR. It's an epidemic.

I implore NASCAR to take immediate action. Let's not allow CPR to effect Joey Logano and the entire JGR organization.

I propose a simple solution to rid our sport of CPR.

The "Waaambulance". Cutting edge technology that will effectively stop the spread of CPR. My Waaambulance is state of the art. No expense has been spared. Once inside the patient compartment, my dedicated team of professionals can reverse the traumatic results of CPR. All Waaambulances are fully equipped with padded and soundproof walls. No sharp corners or other devices that can cause further injury or verbal outbursts. Pastel colors and LED mood lighting are guaranteed to deescalate the most vile cases of CPR. Sometimes, it is better to suffer in silence. Preliminary studies have indicated the Waaambulance to be 99.9 % effective.

Order your Waaambulance today. Demand NASCAR to implement my CPR and Waaambulance technology.

CALL TODAY. 888-888-8888 Don't worry if you're not able to connect on your first attempt. Just remember,
88-88-88-88-88. CALL NOW !!!

Shayne