Chase humor

Quote

Fantasy Chase

Created By I. N. SIDER

I’m not much into fantasy leagues, be it racing, football or Angelina Jolie.

But, hey, the Chase is on. We all can dream of how we’d like to see it go. Here’s mine:

Sylvania 300, New Hampshire: Michael Waltrip takes the green flag seeing red after research by Joyce Julius & Associates proves Jimmy Spencer has gotten more television time this year. Robby Gordon rubs Waltrip the wrong way in turn one so crusty Michael hand-tosses an extra-anchovy Domino’s Pizza at him. NASCAR has a bright idea. Its penalty is to park Waltrip for 30 minutes (or less) and watch a continuous-loop of his TV commercials. Ryan Newman leads laps 1-299 but Tony Stewart bumps him out of the groove entering turn three on the last lap. Stewart beats Jimmie Johnson by a plywood width.

Dover 400, Delaware: Since the promoter doesn’t have a title sponsor, Brian France promises a contribution from the NASCAR Foundation. Matt Kenseth wins after tapping Jeff Gordon out of the lead with 17 laps to go. Gordon jumps out of his DuPont Chevrolet to confront the DeWalt Ford driver, but Kenseth walks away. Gordon yells in frustration, “You’re yellow!” Speaking with reporters, Kenseth looks down at his uniform, smiles and says, “Jeff’s right. I am!”

Banquet 400, Kansas: Kevin Harvick melts the competition with a sweet victory in the Reese’s Chevy. The race sponsor lays out a KC-style feast in the winner’s circle, where Harvick ribs Richard Childress, “You got barbeque sauce on my chocolate!”

UAW-Ford 500, Talladega: The “Big One” consists of a hot-dog wrapper running into a paper cup on the front straight. Mark Martin beats Dale Earnhardt Jr. to the line. Martin pops out of his Ford in victory lane with all the enthusiasm of a 20-year-old and proclaims, “I love restrictor-plate racing!”

Bank of America 500, Charlotte: Heartthrob Kasey Kahne dodges 15 wrecks to easily top Jimmie Johnson. Kahne, needing cash for a late night on the town, asks Humpy Wheeler if there’s an ATM in the garage area. Paparazzi follow Kasey into the wee hours and, a few days later, a scandal sheet publishes party photos under the headline, “Raising Kahne.”

Subway 500 laps, Martinsville: Stevie Waltrip catches husband Darrell trying to sneak a few laps in brother Michael’s car. She makes him write “Boogity, Boogity, Boogity” on a blackboard 1,000 times. Greg Biffle gets so mad during a bungled pit stop he gets out of his Ford and throws a sandwich at crew chief Doug Richert’s face. Later, an apologetic Biffle tells the media, “At least I held the mayo.” Jeff Gordon and Jimmie Johnson take the checkers side-by-side in a photo finish. With their rotors rootered from hard racing, neither can stop, and they crash together in turn one. NASCAR reviews the videotape for 24 minutes before declaring Gordon the winner. “That’s the brakes,” Jeff deadpans to Matt Yocum.

Bass Pro Shops MBNA 500, Atlanta: Thousands of unsold tickets causes Bruton Smith to threaten to move the race to Las Vegas and turn the track into “the world’s largest Home Depot.” That remark makes Smith’s employees at Lowe’s Motor Speedway and Atlanta reach for Mylanta. Martin Truex Jr. wins his first Cup event, edging Dale Earnhardt Jr. by the length of a fishing rod. Truex Jr. expresses surprise his trophy isn’t a Sam Bass painting.

Dickies 500, Texas: Eddie Gossage is forced to cancel all pre-race interviews due to a severe case of laryngitis. Track spin doctors cite this as the reason for a decline in ticket sales. “Iceman” Terry Labonte has an emotional thaw-out when he drives into victory lane, where Billy Hagan, Junior Johnson, Rick Hendrick, Joe Gibbs, Roger Staubach and Troy Aikman greet him.

Checker Auto Parts 500 kilometers, Phoenix: Teams receive a pre-race bulletin setting the pit-road speed limit at 96.56 kilometers per hour and announcing prize money will be paid in euros. As a goodwill gesture, after last year’s dustup, Kurt Busch invites Sheriff Joe Arpaio to be his spotter. Arpaio watches as Busch is penalized for going too fast in the pits, argues with a NASCAR official, and waters a cactus with beer. Arpaio orders deputies to give Busch a motorcycle escort to the nearest airport. Jack Roush is so happy he does synchronized backflips with winner Carl Edwards – somehow, Jack’s hat stays on -- and donates his share of the purse to the sheriff’s department.

Ford 400, Homestead: Dale Earnhardt Jr., Jeff Gordon and Mark Martin start 1-2-3 in points. They sweep under the checkered flag 1-2-3.

Who won the Nextel Cup championship?

I don’t know. I woke up. The last thing I remember is a female voice screaming, “Pitt !”

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