The Frontstretch: Voices From the Heartland: BSNews reveals details about "The New NASCAR" by Jeff Meyer -- Wednesday October 12, 2005

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(BSNews 10/12/05) Daytona Beach

BSNewswire reporter, Stu Padasso revealed this week that he has detailed information on the future of NASCAR.

"There I was, sitting in my office at NASCAR headquarters when suddenly, in walked Brian France. ('The Big BF' as we like to call him.)", said Stu. "At least I'm pretty sure it was him. He sat in a cubicle a couple of cubicles down from me. When I looked under the cube walls and saw those fancy wingtips, complete with lip smudges on them, I knew I was in the presence of the Big BF himself!"

"He was talking on his cell phone. Apparently something had gone wrong with the plumbing in his office and the plumbers were making excessive noise, so that's what brought him into my area. I'm not sure who he was talking to, but what I did learn was quite interesting."

According to Stu's report, the following changes are coming down the NASCAR pike as soon as 2007:

  • The Car of Tomorrow (COT) WILL be implemented at the start of the 2007 season, no exceptions!
  • Confederate flags will be BANNED on all ISC property AND any property that can be SEEN from anywhere on ISC property. This will be enforced by a new group of NASCAR officials known as the CCC (Conferate Cleanup Commission). All CCC members, when on or within 2 miles of ISC property, must be wearing the official CCC uniform. Uniforms consist of white jumpsuits (with proper sponsorship patches), black gloves and safety helmet with tinted face shield. Identity of CCC officials will be guarded as closely as the contents of the NASCAR Official Rule Book. Violators of the flag ban will have their own campers burned along with their flag!
  • Non ISC tracks have until 2008 to implement their own flag ban AND hire NASCAR CCC officials to enforce it or they WILL lose any and all future race dates.
  • The Car of Tomorrow (COT) program will coincide with the Car Owner of Tomorrow (COOT) program to begin in 2007, no exceptions!
  • Only 3 COTs may be owned by any 1 COOT. (This includes ANY member of a COOTs family. A COOTs genealogy will be traced back to 1849 to insure compliance.)
  • COOTs must be younger than 55yrs of age, no exceptions!
  • Old COOTs must sell all COTs on or before their 56th birthday.
  • Old COOTs must provide for their own future. NASCAR will in no way, subsidize the subsistence of old COOTs.
  • Fully one half of all COOTs in EVERY NASCAR event, beginning in 2007, must by classified as a "Minority Urged by Diversity Car Owner of Tomorrow." (MUDCOOT)
  • A MUDCOOT may bedefined as (but not limited to) "anyone who doesn't look like or share the same visions as 'The Big BF'". The Big BF reserves the right to change the definition of a MUDCOOT at any time with no prior notice.
  • All competitors employed by a MUDCOOT will be given special consideration when involved in ANY instance that requires a NASCAR Official's ruling.
  • Restrictor plates WILL be run at ALL ISC tracks.
  • The amount of commercials during the broadcast of EVERY NASCAR event will increase by 25%, starting in 2007.

"That is about all I heard," said Stu. "Then the Big BF finished up some paperwork, and left the cubicle he'd been sitting in. After he left, I finished up some paperwork of my own, and went to look at the cubicle that he'd been in. You know how it is...I was just awed to be in such close proximity to where the man once sat! I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could  take a big sniff and revel in his aura." 

Stu continued, "Now, The first thing I noticed when I entered the cubicle was that the very seat he'd been sitting on had turned to gold! I was a little disappointed that there was no discernable 'aura' though. Apparently, even as hot as it's been in these offices lately, his shirt doesn't stink!"

(Please remember race fans, Stu Padasso works for BSNews, and BSNews is just that!)

Stay off the wall (and your stump. This is satire!),

Jeff

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Bob
10/13/2005 10:26 AM
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Unfortunately the BSNews is too close to the TTNews (Too True News). You forgot that the COT will be made by the COTASSP. (COT assembly plant) by white shirted engineers wearing horned rim glasses and sipping wine and eating cheese. The start of all races must be precluded by a Champagne breakfast on the grounds.

 

Contact Jeff Meyer

Recent articles from Jeff Meyer:

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