The Frontstretch: Voices From the Heartland: Experiments for the cause by Jeff Meyer -- Wednesday February 9, 2005

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Voices From the Heartland: Experiments for the cause

Jeff Meyer · Wednesday February 9, 2005

 

Please Note: The voices expressed in this column reside solely in the mind of the writer, and are not necessarily heard by anyone/thing else on this planet. Should anyone find that they vehemently disagree with the voices in his head, PLEASE do not, rob a bank, kick your cat or send hate mail to the editors of Frontstretch.com. Simply send the writer a friendly little email saying something like “"¦.you’re a complete idiot"¦.”. The writer will understand. Now, on to the voices…

Being the ever dedicated journalist that I am, and especially for such a top-notch site as Frontstretch.com (shameless plug with a bit of brown-nosing), I am constantly looking for ways to get closer to the ultimate NASCAR experience; being a DRIVER.

Unfortunately, even though I know in my heart, that given a week of training along with viewing a few episodes of Jackass, I could beat a few of the guys currently in the Cup Series, no major team owners have yet to return my calls.

Oh sure, I could spend about three grand of my own money to attend one of the ‘racing experience’ weeks that are held at many of the tracks, but I have one little problem. Well, more like three thousand little problems.

Luckily for me, it is my understanding that even as you read this, the wise and great man who owns and publishes Frontstretch.com (another shameless plug and more brown-nosing) is considering sending me, in the interest of journalistic integrity of course, to a (all expenses paid) ‘racing experience’ school to get the true ‘inside’ story! I will know more as soon as that wise and great man returns my calls.

In the meantime, after repeatedly checking my phone for a dial tone, I wondered what I could do here in Iowa to fully prepare myself to be a true NASCAR driver.

Last year after Little E got burned in that road race, a lot of talk went on about drivers driving while hurt or in pain. Blink! Blink! Blink! (little light above my head) That’s what I can do! I want to experience pain while driving! No, not the “Are we there yet? Are we there yet?!” kind, I’ve had enough of that over the years. I wanted to experience true, “my leg is broken and it hurts when I drive” discomfort! So"¦

While it may be nice and sunny in Daytona, it is still ice and snow here in Iowa. I devised a plan to break my leg by slipping on the ice whilst walking to my truck as I was leaving my mortgage paying job! I am proud to announce that the plan is going perfectly! Not only is workman’s comp paying for my time off, the break is perfectly situated just above the ankle in such a manner that one could imagine it to be the type of injury a real NASCAR driver might sustain in an actual crash! The pain is exquisite and I’m loving every minute of it behind the wheel! So much in fact that tomorrow, I am going on a 2 hour drive to visit my cousins in southern Iowa. My next plan is to convince my wife that we need to weld the doors shut on her car. I’ll let you know how it comes out. I wish these off seasons weren’t so long"¦

Stay off the wall (and watch out for the ice!)

Jeff

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Contact Jeff Meyer

Recent articles from Jeff Meyer:

Voices From The Cheap Seats: The Tale Of Two Tires
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Want to know more about Jeff Meyer or view his complete article archives? Then hop on over to his archive and bio page.