The Frontstretch: BSNews! NASCAR Releases List! Random Morality Testing To Begin Immediately by Jeff Meyer -- Thursday June 18, 2009

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BSNews! NASCAR Releases List! Random Morality Testing To Begin Immediately

Voices From The Heartland · Jeff Meyer · Thursday June 18, 2009


In light of recent events that took place last week during the Nationwide race in Nashville, TN, during which two sponsor reps from one team claim a racial slur was directed at their driver by an opposing crew chief after a pit lane collision, NASCAR officials have decided to crack down… and crack down hard!

After gathering secondhand information on the incident, NASCAR has indefinitely suspended the crew chief in question under Section 12-1 (actions detrimental to stock car racing) of the NASCAR Penciled-In Penal Code and sentenced him to completion of “Sensitivity Training.” NASCAR’s actions, however, do not stop there.

“Let me address this head on,” said Brian France at a recent press conference. “This name calling, as I understand it, something said about someone’s ‘N’ationality, for we are a sport of many, must not be happening and will not happen on my watch, which is a Rolex and that is Swiss, I think, so you see, we in this sport are very diverse. While mine may be Swiss, yours is probably a Casio or something, which I believe is Japanese, just like the Camry. We are all very diverse, but we must learn to get along with one another.”

BSNews! has found a list of what Brian France will and will not allow when NASCAR begins Random Morality Testing.

“In light of the recent incident, which is why I am talking to you now, we here at NASCAR have developed a list,” France continued. “This list is not about drugs, but a moral list. A list of things that may not be said or even thought about saying to another competitor if that competitor is of a National origin. I cannot go into the list here, for many of the things on it are far too ghastly to even think about saying. However, that list, as I understand it, will be handed out to select members of the media, especially members of a national origin, so that they may help us police our sport.”

So, not only has NASCAR finally published a list of what and/or whom may (or may not be) called what, but they plan to enforce that list by what is officially being called NASCAR’s Immediate Culling and Cessation of Evil Racial Slurs (NICCERS); or, as it is more casually called, “Random Morality Testing.”

“Under our NICCERS plan, anyone that has anything to do with NASCAR may be tested at anytime. The test may include, but is not limited to… for we do not want to paint ourselves in the proverbial corner, staged incidents designed to enrage the testee,” explained France. “How the testee responds to such stimuli will determine whether they pass or fail. Furthermore, we reserve the right to place hidden listening devices wherever we see fit to ensure compliance to our thought policies. As I said earlier, we are very diverse and, with the current economic times, we may be forced to embrace even more other national companies into our sport. We simply will not abide by any name calling what so ever! Thanks to NICCERS, we are confident we can nip this in the bud.”

According to the handouts distributed at the end of the press conference, one of which BSNews obtained from a nearby recycling basket, the list is quite specific. It states:

“Anyone who competes, works for, attends, watches, or even has remotely heard of NASCAR say, be heard saying, imply or be thought to be implying, think or even be suspected of thinking of calling anyone of a nationality any of the following (or any of any number of things NASCAR may think to add at its discretion and at any time): the A word, the B word, the C word (in the event there should be a woman competitor), the D word, the E word, the F word, the G word, the H word, the I word, the J word, the K word, the L word, the M word, the N word, the O word, the P word, the Q word, the R word, the S word, the T word, the U word, the V word, the W word, the X word, the Y word and the Z word. (This list is NOT all-inclusive, and may be changed at anytime without notice.)”

“Anyone found in violation of this policy will be subject to any or all of the following: suspension, public humiliation, caning, sensitivity training, or anything else NASCAR can think of until such time NASCAR officials feel they (the perpetrator) have had enough.”

While things may change in the future, France assured those who asked, much to their relief, that it is still OK to call Kyle Busch a “punk-ass-mother-f&$*@r” whenever he wins for the time being.

“If it is all strung together, we do not, as of yet, have a category for that,” said France.

Remember… BSNews! Your first thought is our first name!

Stay off the wall!

Stu Paddasso

Contact Jeff Meyer

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Wayne Morgan
06/18/2009 02:05 PM

Now that is funny. But the bad part is that somewhere in the rule book it is peciled in along with new rules to follow..

Kevin in SoCal
06/18/2009 03:59 PM

Here is NASCAR’s list of banned words and phrases.

Dont go to that website if you’re easily offended.

06/18/2009 04:37 PM

Jeff – once again, great coverage of Brian F’s press conference!!!! My God, you sound just like him! And isn’t that a great compliment for such a great man! Time for him to go under Section 12-1!!!!!

amy anderson
06/18/2009 06:38 PM

too funny! But you made Sir Brain sound way more coherent than he is! lol I don’t really know what the answer to all this is, but I think that when they let the crews settle their differences themselves, things went a lot smoother.

06/18/2009 08:05 PM

I don’t find this funny AT ALL. Just more proof of what’s wrong with Nascar. This problem is serious & you choose to make fun of it in a very STUPID way. I’ll be forwarding this & we’ll see how funny other ppl will find this. Some of you ppl are truly disgusting.

Lunar Tunes
06/18/2009 08:19 PM

Tell me jlee, will you be forwarding it to ppl like you, ie ppl you hang out with? Or a cross section of the whole nation?

Man, I would hate to live your life! All tense and uptight about every little thing you see or hear.

Ya know, half the fun of lists like this is watching ppl like you get all whacko over it!

Keep em comin J. Meyer!

06/18/2009 08:26 PM

Furthermore, I find it odd that in your attempt to be funny & make light of a serious situation, you didn’t spoof rich, spoiled, wannabe drivers who can’t control themselves & their racist crew chiefs who bascially threaten & verbally assault 18 yr olds. FYI, it wasn’t just the 2 sponsor reps who claimed Berry said what he did, but Nascar officials as well. So much for you questioning the validity of the complaint. Please spoof the programs for c.r.a.c.k.e.r.s. & p.e.c.k.e.r.w.o.o.d.s as well please.

06/18/2009 08:51 PM

This is absolutely unbelievable. When the message is forwarded to a cross section of people the majority will find in offensive and assine. Interesting that the author chose to user NICCERS as his acroymn. Clearly, the author uses racial slurs in everyday conversation so which is why this article made him laugh. If you are man enough to write this article be man enough to use the word in full view as you would when you are with your friends/family.

Jeff Meyer
06/18/2009 09:07 PM

Thank you taking the time to respond. But let me remind you of something.

You don’t know one damn thing about me. I got tons of friends who are black, white, green, gay, str8, bi, and some that I just aint sure what they are.

I am white. I have black people in my family, so get off your high horse and go preach it somewhere else.

And for the record, in the original version I did have an acronym using ‘G’s, but I chose to change it to prevent a long editorial meeting and to preserve the editors hair.

You sanctimonious people really amuse me!

Lunar Tunes
06/18/2009 09:10 PM


Must be Maury Povich!

06/18/2009 09:19 PM

Wow. I think the author may be the one on the high horse. Thanks for letting us know that you have black people in your family. That absolutely means you cannot be a racist.

06/19/2009 06:49 AM

Jeff Meyer, take a look at it this way; I understand the point you were trying to make (I think), I just think you did a poor job at excuting it.

1st off, to me your article was slanted from the start. You’re saying that Berry was suspended just on the word of Davis’ sponsors. It’s my understanding that’s not the case.

Also, it’s almost like you have a problem with any action taken against Berry period. Then you rip on Brian France. I understand that alot of ppl, myself included are critical of him, but for ppl to constantly bash him isn’t helping. It would have been more effective to do an editorial piece WITH FACTS than what you did. To me, this was lame, unfunny, no good message is getting across.

Lastly, don’t like the fact that you’re getting laughs at black ppl’s expense, & to think you were going to actually use the G’s is very telling. If you’re going to do stuff like this, then insult everybody. Like I said, you spoofed “niccers”, but not h.o.n.k.e.y.s. or c.a.u.c.a.z.o.i.d.s.

Anyway, I just didn’t find this piece funny or relevant. Just a very lame attempt at political humor.

06/19/2009 08:29 AM

jlee, if you were offended by Jeff’s acronym, I strongly recommend against listening to any hip-hop music. You will be VERY busy writing to record companies.

06/19/2009 11:20 AM

I don’t listen to alot of hip-hop anymore, & no, not all hip-hop uses the n word. There’s a genre called conscious hip-hop which was/is my thing. But let’s not mix apples & oranges; this is about a crew chief saying this to an 18 yr old who happens to be black. I would feel the same way if the roles were reversed, if a black crew chief went off on a young white driver calling them racial slurs as well.


Contact Jeff Meyer

Recent articles from Jeff Meyer:

Voices From The Cheap Seats: The Tale Of Two Tires
BSNews! Bruton’s Plans Extend Beyond Bristol’s Track
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Want to know more about Jeff Meyer or view his complete article archives? Then hop on over to his archive and bio page.