The Frontstretch: BSNews! NASCAR CEO Given "Special" Award Amidst Lavish Fanfare by Jeff Meyer -- Thursday September 30, 2010

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BSNews! NASCAR CEO Given "Special" Award Amidst Lavish Fanfare

Jeff Meyer · Thursday September 30, 2010


Florida News Services – In a lavishly decorated meeting room, deep in the bowels of the Ivory Towers of Daytona Beach, Brian Z. France, the Chairman and CEO of NASCAR, gleefully accepted the first ever Stupidest Man Actually Living and Loose (SMALL) award Wednesday.

The honor was bestowed upon France by the NASCAR Fan Council (NFC) which, ironically, France himself created just a few short years ago as a means to “hear what the fans of NASCAR have to say.”

“Wow!” said France, as he hoisted the brain-shaped, pea-sized trophy high above his head between his thumb and forefinger. “This is… this is… Oops! I dropped it! I don’t know what to say. Ever since my father entrusted me, and that had to be a huge step on his part, entrusted me with the running of the family business, I have done, well, you’ve seen what I’ve done, when you can see me, which I admit isn’t often, what with me being so busy and all. Where did it go? I think it rolled under the podium!”

France was asked what he thought were some of his greatest achievements since taking over the “big chair” at the head office in 2003.

“I’ve taken this sport to unprecedented heights in the few short years I’ve been at the helm,” he said. “We created the wildly popular Chase and the CoT, both of which, while not easy or cheap by any means, have been a resounding success at capturing the casual fan!”

France paused.

“Let’s see…gosh, there are so many things like running out all the druggies in our sport and implementing the toughest drug policy in the history of sports. I’m real proud of that. I’ve got my family, you know, Megan and the twins. Married and divorced her twice in seven years. Fortunately, I had the sense to get her to sign a pre-nup before the second marriage. What else? Oh yeah, I saved the company tons of money by not paying alimony or child support… have saved almost 4 million right there! Thank God for that pre-nup!”

Whether it be fact or fiction, many NASCAR fans believe Brian France is eligible for one award in particular…

“We have hired tons more lawyers,” France continued. “We get a discount if we hire in bulk… we got more ‘Official Sponsors’ of NASCAR than ever before. I’ve made a concentrated effort not to lose those sponsorships to individual teams like we did so often in the past. Then there is our Drive for Diversity program… we’ve made some great gains on that front. I can’t count the times I have seen someone who was not white, like me, at many of our shows. Of course, we have our new expensive Hall of Fame and office building, both of which, the lawyers tell me, is supposed to be wildly popular! And of course, I don’t want to forget the NFC… wow, I never expected this when I created it! This is just fantastic! I knew the fans were responding, as I read each and every bit of feedback, but gee, I never expected this! I know we were in a bit of a scare with the economy and all, but I have heard the economic hard times are over and that the economy has fully recovered! Some of the folks who have been staying home will now be pouring into our tracks to see the fantastic product that we have created in the span of just seven years. Man, how can my life possibly get any better after this? This is all just too much. I thank each and every one of you!”

The SMALL award is a lifetime award and will be Brian’s to keep for the rest of his natural life, or at least until his status changes… meaning he is either dead or locked up.

A spokesman for the NFC said that while there may have been stupider people deserving of the award, most of them were in fact dead and silly looking (or as more frequently the case, both) or in some sort of protective custody. The spokesman also said that in addition to the SMALL award, plans are nearly complete for the airing of a new television game show, also honoring Mr. France.

The game show, which producers hope will be hosted by Brian himself, is tentatively titled “Are You Stupider Than Brian France” and will also be the “Official Game Show of NASCAR.” While all set to start production, sources say that there is some question as to France’s hosting ability, though, due to extensive court case scheduling of cases in which he must appear. Replacement hosts for when Brian is away are rumored to be Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears, with possible guest appearances by Jeremy Mayfield.

It is said that contestants on the show will be given hypothetical business decisions concerning the sport of NASCAR and must drive the attendance and ratings down further than they currently are in order to win. Anyone able to actually do so will be awarded a lucrative contract to work, in some capacity, for the sport down in Daytona Beach.

“I’ve heard a bit about the show, and I am honored,” said France. “This is a great opportunity, not only for contestants, but also us here at NASCAR as we can recruit the brightest and the best to further our sport and give the fans the product they deserve.”

BSNews! Your first thought is our first name!

P.S. – BSNews wants to know… if you could meet Brian Z. France face-to-face for a little one-on-one chat, what would you say to him? Please help us out by posting your comments below! In the meantime…

Stay off the wall!

Jeff Meyer

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09/30/2010 09:09 AM

BSNews: I would say, “I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, ‘did he fire five times or six?’ I’m asking do you feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?”

09/30/2010 10:24 AM

“I’ve taken this sport to unprecedented heights in the few short years I’ve been at the helm,” he said.

I think the proper words should be “unprecedented LEVELS.” Which are Down!

09/30/2010 10:42 AM

When did you first consider yourself a legend in your own mind?

09/30/2010 10:50 AM

The 1st generation lays the foundation, the 2nd generation expands it, and the 3rd generation pisses it away.

09/30/2010 12:25 PM

I wouldn’t say anything, I’d kick him right in the balls.

09/30/2010 12:48 PM

Well deserved award.
It was good till you put Jeremy Mayfield in the guest list.
He’s the one standing up for himself against the “Stupidest Man”, Brian Farce.

09/30/2010 12:51 PM

WOW! I guess you know that you aren’t going to get a Christmas Card this year from NASCAR right? The award was well deserved and appropriate!

The Mad Man
09/30/2010 01:06 PM

When you say BS, I immediately think of BF.

09/30/2010 01:18 PM

I wouldn’t waste my time acknowledging the big dummie if he was in front of me. He is so stupid no matter what you say to him it would not register.

09/30/2010 01:20 PM

It’s the car, stupid!

09/30/2010 02:15 PM

Where did you learn to say nothing using so many words? Are you planning to run for political office?

The pea is too big for his brain.

09/30/2010 06:57 PM

I would say to Brian, I believe that you, Brian France, could pull off a huge public relations coup for yourself, & make more money…by dipping into some of your petty cash fund & buying or doing whatever it takes to get Jr. out of HMS, & to an owner who wants him winning. It would fill seats at your tracks to have Jr. running up front and winning again, which I do not believe that Rick is every going to allow. If Rick wanted Jr. winning, he would be. He doesn’t & it isn’t going to happen as long as Jr. is yoked to Rick. Come on Brian, do yourself and Jr. Nation a big favor and ‘free Jr.. :)

09/30/2010 07:41 PM

So, Brian, why are you behind in your divorce payments?


Contact Jeff Meyer

Recent articles from Jeff Meyer:

Voices From The Cheap Seats: The Tale Of Two Tires
BSNews! Bruton’s Plans Extend Beyond Bristol’s Track
Top Ten Reasons Fans Failed To Show Up At Bristol Sunday
BSNews! NASCAR CEO Given "Special" Award Amidst Lavish Fanfare
Fan Coun-ci-What? Just What Is It That NASCAR Wants To Study?

Want to know more about Jeff Meyer or view his complete article archives? Then hop on over to his archive and bio page.