Jeff Meyer · Thursday September 30, 2010
Florida News Services – In a lavishly decorated meeting room, deep in the bowels of the Ivory Towers of Daytona Beach, Brian Z. France, the Chairman and CEO of NASCAR, gleefully accepted the first ever Stupidest Man Actually Living and Loose (SMALL) award Wednesday.
The honor was bestowed upon France by the NASCAR Fan Council (NFC) which, ironically, France himself created just a few short years ago as a means to “hear what the fans of NASCAR have to say.”
“Wow!” said France, as he hoisted the brain-shaped, pea-sized trophy high above his head between his thumb and forefinger. “This is… this is… Oops! I dropped it! I don’t know what to say. Ever since my father entrusted me, and that had to be a huge step on his part, entrusted me with the running of the family business, I have done, well, you’ve seen what I’ve done, when you can see me, which I admit isn’t often, what with me being so busy and all. Where did it go? I think it rolled under the podium!”
France was asked what he thought were some of his greatest achievements since taking over the “big chair” at the head office in 2003.
“I’ve taken this sport to unprecedented heights in the few short years I’ve been at the helm,” he said. “We created the wildly popular Chase and the CoT, both of which, while not easy or cheap by any means, have been a resounding success at capturing the casual fan!”
“Let’s see…gosh, there are so many things like running out all the druggies in our sport and implementing the toughest drug policy in the history of sports. I’m real proud of that. I’ve got my family, you know, Megan and the twins. Married and divorced her twice in seven years. Fortunately, I had the sense to get her to sign a pre-nup before the second marriage. What else? Oh yeah, I saved the company tons of money by not paying alimony or child support… have saved almost 4 million right there! Thank God for that pre-nup!”
“We have hired tons more lawyers,” France continued. “We get a discount if we hire in bulk… we got more ‘Official Sponsors’ of NASCAR than ever before. I’ve made a concentrated effort not to lose those sponsorships to individual teams like we did so often in the past. Then there is our Drive for Diversity program… we’ve made some great gains on that front. I can’t count the times I have seen someone who was not white, like me, at many of our shows. Of course, we have our new expensive Hall of Fame and office building, both of which, the lawyers tell me, is supposed to be wildly popular! And of course, I don’t want to forget the NFC… wow, I never expected this when I created it! This is just fantastic! I knew the fans were responding, as I read each and every bit of feedback, but gee, I never expected this! I know we were in a bit of a scare with the economy and all, but I have heard the economic hard times are over and that the economy has fully recovered! Some of the folks who have been staying home will now be pouring into our tracks to see the fantastic product that we have created in the span of just seven years. Man, how can my life possibly get any better after this? This is all just too much. I thank each and every one of you!”
The SMALL award is a lifetime award and will be Brian’s to keep for the rest of his natural life, or at least until his status changes… meaning he is either dead or locked up.
A spokesman for the NFC said that while there may have been stupider people deserving of the award, most of them were in fact dead and silly looking (or as more frequently the case, both) or in some sort of protective custody. The spokesman also said that in addition to the SMALL award, plans are nearly complete for the airing of a new television game show, also honoring Mr. France.
The game show, which producers hope will be hosted by Brian himself, is tentatively titled “Are You Stupider Than Brian France” and will also be the “Official Game Show of NASCAR.” While all set to start production, sources say that there is some question as to France’s hosting ability, though, due to extensive court case scheduling of cases in which he must appear. Replacement hosts for when Brian is away are rumored to be Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears, with possible guest appearances by Jeremy Mayfield.
It is said that contestants on the show will be given hypothetical business decisions concerning the sport of NASCAR and must drive the attendance and ratings down further than they currently are in order to win. Anyone able to actually do so will be awarded a lucrative contract to work, in some capacity, for the sport down in Daytona Beach.
“I’ve heard a bit about the show, and I am honored,” said France. “This is a great opportunity, not only for contestants, but also us here at NASCAR as we can recruit the brightest and the best to further our sport and give the fans the product they deserve.”
BSNews! Your first thought is our first name!
P.S. – BSNews wants to know… if you could meet Brian Z. France face-to-face for a little one-on-one chat, what would you say to him? Please help us out by posting your comments below! In the meantime…
Stay off the wall!
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