The Frontstretch: One-Line NASCAR Zingers From A Busy News Week by Jeff Meyer -- Thursday May 26, 2011

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One-Line NASCAR Zingers From A Busy News Week

Voices From the Heartland · Jeff Meyer · Thursday May 26, 2011

 

This past week, some things have popped up in the news that has given rise to me being more of a “one-lining, smart aleck” than usual. For instance (not racing related but it does have wheels), a state of Iowa politician who happens to be a friend of mine, recently commented on the state’s decision to shut down the Iowa Braille and Sight Saving School (a historical entity that is even mentioned in the Laura Ingalls-Wilder books).

“See those people under the bus? Those are blind children!”

To which I replied…”Guess they should have installed those beeper things on the ‘Don’t Walk!’ signs!” That’s the kind of goofy mood I’ve been in lately, so here it goes (probably downhill from there!)

As usual, first and foremost was the good fortune that Brian France chose to speak in public again just before the All-Star race, so we might as well start there and have a little fun. In just fourth sentence of his teleconference…

“On a serious note, we’re almost not at the halfway point, but we’re headed that way here at the All-Star break.”

‘Almost not at the halfway point’? What, is that like your teenage daughter telling you that she is “almost not pregnant?” Are we just starting out with the season? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Remind me, if I ever get the chance, never to travel with Brian. Yeah, I know what he was trying to say…’we’re almost at the halfway point,’ but damn, even longtime rednecks are left scratching parts unknown wondering “Whot?”

“This week, of course, today is NASCAR day, we’re very proud of the money raised going to children…mostly children who need it the most…”

Brian France took time to enlighten the media and fans on a number of issues during All-Star weekend.

As opposed to giving it to kids that are well off? Well that’s nice! Where is the rest of the money going? Brian’s children? I hear his divorce (again) has been pretty brutal. To send ten dollars to help Brian’s kids, text…

“So that’s good to see, and it’s good to see that NASCAR day continues to make good things happen for people who need it. Of course we’re also celebrating the Hall of Fame of the second class here on Monday night. It’s a great class. The community is really supportive.”

Not only is the community supportive, but the entire fan base as well. So supportive in fact, that the Hall of Fame has lost how many millions since opening up? Maybe some of the money raised on NASCAR day can go to them. They seem to need it! Now that there are ten in the HoF, at least the visitors they do have will spend ten more minutes, maybe.

“So you’ve seen some resurgence by some of the drivers who mean the most to the NASCAR fan base, and obviously that would be Dale Jr., who is, I think, fourth in points now, contending for wins. And it looks like he could contend for a championship if he continues to improve with his team.”

Sure wish Jr. would win again and save NASCAR! I wonder if anyone else could contend for a championship if they continued to improve. Is it just me, or do I remember a few scant years ago, the official rhetoric being ‘no one man is bigger than the sport?’ I guess the official party line has changed. If only Jr. could reach Tiger Woods status…

“If you look at the Kevin Harvick incident, which was not even a racing incident, it was after the event where you saw us take action and step in. You saw us take action as well with discussions with Juan Pablo and Ryan Newman as well.”

Ah Brian, the master of the incomplete sentence! But wait! What’s this?! The master of redundancy as well as well as well…echo, echo, echo…now now batting batting…

“So there are always limits, but on balance, the most important thing is how tight the competition is.”

Sounds like a pimp with a marketing degree to me…

“You know, the wildcard format where wins are going to matter as we go into July and August and close out the regular season, you know, you could have some really interesting things happen with some drivers like Regan Smith or others that are going, who were counted out before, but they have a win. They maybe have more wins, and that could be a factor, probably will be a factor.”

OMG! A sport where ‘wins’ will be a factor in determining a champion??!! Wow! This is some very progressive and forward thinking! Brian Z. France, Mega-geeeeenius!

“So we’d like to think that we’re our own good self critic in some areas that we think we can improve on. So with that, I’ll be happy to take some questions.”

I think we’d be better served if you took some frickin’ Prozac!

Can you believe it, that is all just from his opening statements. Ain’t had enough? Check out the entire teleconference if you want, but don’t hold me responsible for any headaches it may cause!

Brian France aside, there was another news teaser link on Jayski’s that simply read…

“Stewart interested in Danica…if”

Yeah, if maybe she’d quit being such a diva a learn to cook and clean a little!

Stay off the wall, (and watch out for the bus!)

Jeff Meyer

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Don Mei
05/26/2011 12:01 PM
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Great line! A pimp with a marketing degree! I love it! Its sure as hell isnt a physics degree, or a finance degree, or even a communications degree! Ah, the living embodiment of the “Lucky Sperm “ club!

Carl D.
05/26/2011 04:38 PM
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Brian France has about as much verbal eloquence as Lurch on the Addams Family.

 

Contact Jeff Meyer

Recent articles from Jeff Meyer:

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