Voices From the Heartland · Jeff Meyer · Thursday June 16, 2011
Daytona Beach, FL: BSNews reports that Brian France, CEO and Head Master of NASCAR, recently held a secret meeting with the parents of several popular figures within the sport.
The meeting is said to have been at the insistence of other parents of popular drivers, Tom and Gaye Busch and Pablo Montoya, both of whom have sons that have been savagely brutalized in recent weeks on NASCAR playgrounds.
Kyle Busch, son of Tom and Gaye, was recently attacked for no apparent reason by team owner and former racer, Richard Childress. Kyle was also involved in an altercation with Kevin Harvick, just days before the Childress incident. Pablo’s boy, Juan Pablo, is said to have been assaulted by the only current driver to hold a college degree, Ryan Newman.
Besides the Busch parents and Mr. Montoya, other invited “guests” included Greg and Diane Newman (their son Ryan), Richard Childress, Kevin Harvick and Harvick’s parents, Mike and JoNell.
“We called the parents of a few of our students in today, to discuss a few behavioral issues that we find disturbing and that behavior is known as ‘bullying’. Bullying is something that is a major concern to us in our sport and we are taking steps to hopefully have it be a thing of our past,” said France in a statement released after the meeting.”
“These last few incidents are just terrifying to us. One of the incidents took place right in one of our offices! Another on one of our playgrounds and another in an area where we, unfortunately, didn’t have any hall monitors present.”
“I realize that some of our kids can get really competitive and that is a good thing… however, today’s kids have taken it way past the old ‘wet willy’ or the classic wedgie, which I remember well, but these kids have taken to actually hitting one another with their fists! It is totally abhorrent and unacceptable.”
In light of this new unacceptable abhorrence, and to appease certain parents of the victims, NASCAR has announced that the traditional points system it uses during their “recesses” will be totally changed.
“Up till now, we have awarded points and trophies to our students who excel. This will no longer be the case. We here at NASCAR feel, since it was pointed out by these concerned parents, that we have placed too much pressure on some of these young lads,” said France.
“Going forward, and let me stress this, EVERYONE will get a chance to play and EVERYONE will receive what we call a ‘participation ribbon’. We feel that this system will ease the pressure we have unduly placed upon these impressionable lads (and ladies) and everyone will get along just fine.”
“I also want to thank these parents, and their attorneys, for bringing this unhealthy situation to our attention… I can assure them that their sons will be well looked after and the bullying will stop when they are in our care here on NASCAR grounds. As for the perpetrators in these cases, we have given them a really stern talking to and they have promised to never do it again. I think everyone left here happy today. I know I did – no one gave me a wedgie!”
In an unrelated story, Frontstretch.com has announced that it has placed Senior Writer, Jeff Meyer on “indefinite suspension” for being rude, not funny, allegedly racist, uncouth, a sloppy dresser, too down to earth for the readers and other things too heinous to mention.
Frontstretch also announced a total revision of its popular “Top Ten List” that Meyer so often penned.
“Our Top Ten Lists will no longer contain anything that is sarcastic, rude, off color, outright wrong or even anything wildly inaccurate,” said The Godfather running this popular site. “From now on, only factual, historically and politically correct information will be on these lists and we will do everything in our power to please and not alienate anyone. We hope our readers enjoy the new format.”
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