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Voices From the Heartland · Jeff Meyer · Friday November 4, 2011
NASCAR’s smallest track, Martinsville Speedway, will soon receive a welcomed facelift and reconfiguration.
Following last Sunday’s Tums Fast Relief 500, track officials and top level NASCAR executives embarked upon exhaustive research, including but not limited to, reading internet blogs, listening to satellite radio shows, and actually talking to a couple of rednecks, and have finalized a well thought out plan to fix perceived problems.
In case you have been living under a rock the last couple of days, the problem stems from the number of cautions that occurred during last Sunday’s race…18 for 108 laps. Clearly, over one fifth of the race was run under the auspices of the yellow flag. Many fans and most importantly, supremely intelligence NASCAR internet writers, have been up in arms and clearly upset with the number of cautions on the half-mile raceway.
Fortunately, track and NASCAR officials have past experience to draw from when dealing with such a dilemma, in the form of the Series’ second shortest track, the Bristol Motor Speedway.
As has been well documented, BMS had traditionally suffered from a similar problem whenever the cars came to race on the high banked oval. As with Martinsville, there had always only been one racing lane at Bristol and that was the low, or inside lane. If for some reason you were shuffled to the outside well, you might as well have stuck a fork in yourself ‘cause, man, you were toast!
The solution was of course, graduated banking, which BMS installed just a few short years ago. Now at Bristol, there are actually three racing lanes and the competitors can actually RACE one another. That is exactly the solution to be installed at Martinsville.
Currently the hairpin corners at Martinsville are banked at a relatively flat 12 degrees, but that will soon change. BSNews has learned that, like BMS, Martinsville will also enjoy graduated banking for the 2012 season and beyond. While the inside lane will remain at 12 degrees, the rest of the corners will gradually increase to an almost dizzying 15 degrees!
“This will hopefully provide a full three lanes of actual racing in the corners and make all our fans who have ever had to suffer from 18 cautions very, very happy,” said one unidentified NASCAR official. “Our goal is, as always, making the fan’s happiness our number one priority.”
Catawba County Sheriff Deputies have discovered hundreds of thousands of stolen NASCAR fans on the property of Jeremy Mayfield.
The fans and their loyalties were apparently stolen from NASCAR by Mayfield and were being sold to other sports to support Mayfield’s meth habit, according to sources close to the case.
A statement from NASCAR simply said that Brian France was pleased that the case of the missing fans had been solved and asked that they be returned to NASCAR as soon as they are no longer held as evidence in the case. Authorities had no real time frame for their return but seemed optimistic that it would be in time for the start of the 2012 season.
BSNews! Your first thought is our first name!
Stay off the wall,
©2000 - 2008 Jeff Meyer and Frontstetch.com. Thanks for visiting the Frontstretch!
Leave Martinsville alone!
Oh, GREAT! First they take the most exciting track (Bristol) and ruin it (“Our goal is the fan’s happiness”: how’s that worked out for ya?). And since they obviously didn’t learn from that fiasco (no more sold out Bristol races!), they decide to do the same thing to Martinsville!!! Unbelievable! It’s like they are actually TRYING to chase the fans away. Incredible. One more thought: Most people I spoke with and read articles from thought that this Martinsville race was fantastic, as did I. So there were a lot of cautions. That’s short-track racing, dummy! Hey, let’s make the racing better (“for the fans!”) and make this track another “follow the leader” track like all those other tracks that “the fans” really LOVE! (Question: which fans?)
Good Lord! Isn’t messing up Bristol enough? They have to kill the last decent short track too?!? This is the top level of stock car racing and we have to make it easier for them? Last weekend’s race was the best racing I’ve seen on tv in a long time and now they’re talking about killing that one too? Why not just make it over into a mile and a half with 5 lanes of racing – at least then everything will be the same everywehere! (NOT!) This is what happens when you put the insane in charge!
Parody seems to be lost on most folks!! :-)
Geez! Wasn’t neutering Bristol enough? nas$car seems intent on chasing what few hardcore fans are left away. And for you, Mr. Meyer to advocate it tells me you’ve lost contact with real racing fans. I’m a long, long time fan whose slowly, but surely, being chased away. Turning Martinsville into another boring, follow the leader track will be another nail in the coffin for nas$car. What a joke!!
Relax people…it’s a joke…
Some folks missed the obvious. Even the title gives it away. BS News. I figured it out and haven’t had my daily coffee yet.
I’m laughing at the amount of people that were hooked. It’s funny (and a little sad) people have such minimal faith in NASCAR that they believe something like this may be real.
Ya really had me going, Jeff. I feel foolish. I love the sarcasm.
All parody aside, my thought is, why not change some of the tracks? And yes, leave Martinsville alone! But seriously, why not say shut Chicagoland down after nexy year’s race, plow it under, and reconfigure it? If you want to keep it at the dreaded mile-and-a-half, why not reshape it with a long front straight, and put a right-hand dogleg in the backstretch, like the old Trenton Speedway had? Bet that would liven things up, given that there would be a slight right-hand turn half way down the backstretch, and therefore a longer turn 3 and 4. Then, after that one gets fixed, do Kansas the next year, only make that a 30-degree banked one-mile track. Then take Michigan and move it a few miles east into Ontario, since so many fans from Ontario go there anyway, it would erase the boarder congestion on race weekends. Just some thoughts!
Hilarious stuff, I can’t believe most people missed the humor.
I thought Martinsville was going to be reconfigured into a 1.5 mile giant looking hotdog shape, painted red of course. Party tonight at Mayfield’s house. Bring your own meth and stolen goods to be entered in the “Free Bic Lighters For Life” campaign. Bic, the official lighter of meth heads and banned NASCAR drivers worldwide.
You got me! Boy do I feel stupid. This article should have run on April Fools Day and I wouldn’t feel so bad. Well, at least I can take away from this that if anyone in NA$CAR was reading the responses, they may have gotten a good idea of how us (naive) fans actually do feel about the short tracks.
Recent articles from Jeff Meyer:
Voices From The Cheap Seats: The Tale Of Two Tires
BSNews! Bruton’s Plans Extend Beyond Bristol’s Track
Top Ten Reasons Fans Failed To Show Up At Bristol Sunday
BSNews! NASCAR CEO Given "Special" Award Amidst Lavish Fanfare
Fan Coun-ci-What? Just What Is It That NASCAR Wants To Study?
Want to know more about Jeff Meyer or view his complete article archives? Then hop on over to his archive and bio page.