Voices From the Cheapseats · Jeff Meyer · Sunday September 16, 2012
Daytona Beach, FL- Having exhausted the supply of NASCAR zealots in North America, NASCAR CEO Brian France, announced his plans to expand his sport around the world to the troubled areas in the Middle East.
“I was sitting here, and by here I mean here in my palatial office, watching a bit of TV, just kind of surfing ya know, trying to find the Oprah channel, when I came across what I guess was a news piece about all this violence that has suddenly erupted in an area they call the ‘Middle East’,” said France.
France of course, is referring to all the recent violence in the Middle East and northern Africa that has erupted as a result of someone saying that Mohammad had one ear bigger than the other, or some such nonsense
“I saw that they were tearing up anything to do with America. They trashed a Hardee’s and a KFC and were burning flags and such. At first, I wondered why they would do such a thing, I mean, where are they going to get their biscuits and chicken now? And those new burgers with the pulled pork on them and bacon cheeseburgers…it’s all just a mess. And then it dawned on me! These folks just need to channel their aggressions in a more positive way!”
“NASCAR, or at least a cultural version of it that they can relate to is exactly what they need. They act just like Gordon and Earnhardt fans used to when we were making really big bucks, but only at a higher level! These ‘zealots,’ as the news guy called them, is a perfect stream of untapped revenue that I think we can not only tap, but at the same time, bring some focus into their lives.”
“As I sat there and thought about it, I realized that, while it all would be patterned after our great sport here in America, we as a sanctioning body would obviously have to have a totally different set of rules that what we are accustomed to here. For instance, the R & D guys tell me that those folks have a proclivity for explosives. In that light—was proclivity the right word? I heard someone use it the other day—anyway, we may consider allowing each team one car bomb to use on the track, only during a green flag of course, each year. How and when they want to use it will be totally up to them. Of course, this may lead to more debris cautions, but hey, as long as everyone is on an equal playing field.”
France said that exporting stock car racing to the region is just the “tip of the turban” as he put it.
“Another thing I noticed is that most of these regions have no trees. Piles and piles of rubble and sand everywhere, burning cars, but no trees! Maybe, one of the reasons they gets so tense and wound up is that they have no trees to sit and eat their biscuits and chicken and pulled pork burgers under! I know I feel much more at ease when I am under a tree, perhaps they just want the same thing. As part of our ‘NASCAR going green’ initiative or whatever we decided to call it, we will export thousands and thousands of trees to these areas to help beautify the area and hopefully calm them down a bit. Now that I think of it, this could be our crown jewel of our diversity program as well!”
France alluded that it is all just in the planning stages now, but vowed to do all he could to make it a reality as soon as possible.
“This is something that I feel really committed to this week. Not only will it help me be a better person financially, but it just may help the world as well.”
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Stay off the wall (especially at a mid-east embassy!)
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