The Frontstretch: Voices From The Cheap Seats: 'Tis The Holiday Season In NASCAR by Jeff Meyer -- Friday November 1, 2013

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Unless you are not from around here, here being the planet Earth, you know that yesterday was, in fact Halloween. Or perhaps you are a Jehovah’s Witness and do not recognize that particular holiday which, by the way, I find highly ironic. What… you don’t like complete strangers coming up and knocking on your door out of the blue? At any rate, it was Halloween, a night where I dutifully sat by the door and handed out treats to a myriad of tiny creatures.

After the kid that was dressed up as Jimmie Johnson got the last bit of candy I had (I swear, the little brat showed up five different times!) I decided to go to a NASCAR-themed Halloween costume party. Since I figured that I would probably consume enough alcohol to render my speech slurred and incoherent, I decided it would be totally believable to dress up as Brian France.

Expecting to find all different sorts of “drivers,” “NASCAR officials,” “crew chiefs” and whatnot, I was actually quite taken aback at what I did see!

A guy in a wheelchair that appeared to be legendary physicist, Stephen Hawking (albeit obviously a lot heavier) turned out to be, in fact, Tony Stewart!

Someone dressed as an obviously upset and frustrated daycare worker, complemented by two unruly kids with silver spoons in their mouths, turned out to be Kevin Harvick, Ty and Austin Dillon. Apparently, it was some sort of punishment for something someone said. I dunno.

One costume that seemed to have everyone stumped as to who it actually was in real life was a simple mime. Would you believe me if I told you it was none other than Mikey Waltrip? Everyone agreed it was one of the best costume ideas that they had ever seen!

Then, there was the very colorful and artfully done, two-sided playing card. This guy was a Jack of Hearts on one side and the Jack of Spades on the other! You are going to have to figure out the reference on your own, ‘cuz I don’t want to say it, but I will tell you that the man wearing the costume turned out to be Jack Roush! Who knew Jack had such a sense of humor?

Truck Series crew member, Adam Brown, showed up dressed as Thor but got thrown out a short time later for not being in control of his hammer.

A spitting image of Dale Earnhardt, Jr., celebrating in Victory Lane then had everyone guessing until it was discovered that it was, in fact, Dale Jr.! Hey, that’s what dressing up for Halloween is all about, right? Live out your fantasies!

The Gene Shalit costume turned out to be Mike Helton. I wondered why he kept following me around all night like a lost puppy. It all makes sense now. And that Raggedy Andy Doll… yep, Ricky Craven with hair extensions!

So anyways, imagine my surprise when I ran into the real, honest to goodness, Brian France! At first, I didn’t think he was in costume but when I looked behind him, I saw what could only be described as a line of backsides of mainstream media types and high-level NASCAR officials. It finally dawned on me… the Human Centipede! Very apropos, Brian!

Early on in the night, there was a ruckus at the main entrance that grew quite intense. Seems some guy insisted that he had an invite and was supposed to be at the party. Party officials explained to him that there had been a mistake on the mailing list and he never should have gotten one. The man, last seen walking dejectedly down the street, asking anyone with a car for a ride, I found out later was Martin Truex, Jr. Jeff Gordon, by comparison, showed up late and not in costume. Said he wasn’t planning on coming but hey, he found an invitation lying in the street and decided, “What the hell!”

As the night wore on, as often happens at parties, folks would fan out in little groups of two or three and things would seem to be winding down. Inevitably, some unseen voice would come over the PA and remind everyone that some famous French model, Ms. Teri Debris, would be arriving shortly. The announcement always had the effect of livening up the party, at least for a little while, but soon it would be back to the little groups again, except for the mime that stood quietly in the corner.

Me? I finally had enough and decided to split.

Never did get to see that model!

Stay off the wall,

Jeff Meyer

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SS
11/01/2013 07:35 AM
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Jeff,
You have really outdone yourself this time… I busted out loud more than once reading through.

Joe..
11/01/2013 12:40 PM
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Astounding.

Carl D.
11/01/2013 01:42 PM
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I heard All-Star Danica Patrick got her invitation via fan vote and arrived after all of the other drivers.

Bertus
11/02/2013 03:48 AM
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Brilliant!!!

 

Contact Jeff Meyer

Recent articles from Jeff Meyer:

Voices From The Cheap Seats: The Tale Of Two Tires
BSNews! Bruton’s Plans Extend Beyond Bristol’s Track
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Want to know more about Jeff Meyer or view his complete article archives? Then hop on over to his archive and bio page.