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Voices From The Heartland · Jeff Meyer · Wednesday March 7, 2007
Daytona Beach, FL (BSNews): NASCAR Chairman and CEO Brian France was given a clean bill of health today following the aftermath of what doctors and authorities are calling “one of the cruelest jokes ever perpetrated against an individual.”
According to OSAFR (Official Security Attachment For Racing) reports, the medical scare turned prankster’s delight began three weeks ago, when France went in for his annual physical at the doctor’s office.
"Mr. France endures a complete and thorough medical exam each year," said OSAFR Chief Mike Chitwood. "This year was no different, and nothing unusual was expected. However, when the results came back from some of the more intrusive tests, doctors had some serious concerns, and immediately scheduled a biopsy."
When asked what constituted “serious concerns,” Chief Chitwood said, “Wellâ€¦lets see. How do I put it in terms a racing fan might understand? Let's just say some â€˜debris' was found in his â€˜backstretch.’”
“Normally, when results like this come back, we prescribe an intense high fiber diet for the individual in question," said France's personal physician, Richard Craneum. “However, given Mr. France's stature in the community, not to mention the nation, we also scheduled exploratory surgery. We wanted to get right in there and get to the bottom of whatever the problem might be. Thankfully, other than a pair of sunglasses that were later claimed by NASCAR president Mike Helton, absolutely nothing, no ‘debris,’ nothing out of the ordinary was found. To us, it was a mystery. How could the test results be so wrong?"
Having strong suspicions that something more sinister was afoot, doctors notified OSAFR of their concerns, and an intense investigation was launched.
"We checked out everyone and anyone who may have had access to Mr. France's medical files. We even reviewed the hospital security tapes… and that is where the mysterious “Bubba Trump” entered the picture,” said Chief Chitwood.
According to official reports, immediately after examining Mr. France, Dr. Craneum was paged to the ER. In the ER was Mr. Trump, who was there to have a nail removed from his left ear lobe after a "shoot the beer can with the nail gun" contest had gone horribly wrong. As Dr. Craneum left the examining room to retrieve a hammer, he inadvertently left Mr. France's file in the room with Trump.
"I knowd â€˜zackly whos papers dem was soon as I'd laid eyes on em," said Trump, when interviewed from his cell at Daytona Beach Police Headquarters. "I grabbed ‘em and started writin'. I was meanin' no harm, nosiree. I was just funnin' a bit."
When told that Chief Chitwood had described France's condition as “debris in the backstretch,” Trump grinned from ear to ear. "'Mystery debris in the backstretch'! Dats funny right â€˜dere."
While Mr. France was found to be free from any serious medical concerns, the placement of Mr. Helton's sunglasses that the surgeons did find was still somewhat under debate.
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