The Frontstretch: Top Ten Mandates by Brian France to Make NASCAR Like the NFL by Jeff Meyer -- Tuesday May 22, 2007

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10. All officials’ uniforms will be black and white striped with a “Nextel yellow” hanky protruding from the back pocket.

9. Qualifying will be replaced by a lengthy series of “elimination” coin tosses to determine the starting lineup.

(The official NASCAR coin will have the likeness of Brian's face for heads and a horse's butt for tails.)

8. Bumping in the corners will result in a call of “pass interference” and a 15 car length penalty.

7. Pit road and the grass in front of it will be marked off in 1 yard increments.

6. Speeding on pit road will now be called “Illegal Motion.”

5. Flipping someone the bird is now “Illegal use of Hands.”

4. Cars will run one quarter of the race one way, then turn around and go the other direction for the next quarter until the end of the race is reached.

3. All races will be moved to Monday Night with Al Michaels, John Madden, and Dan Dierdorf commentating.

2. A driver will be given three extra points every time he steers his car, at speed, between two iron posts permanently positioned in the corner.

1. In an effort to boost ratings, team cheerleaders, now required, will now be officially known as “tight ends.”

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Travis Rassat
05/23/2007 07:14 AM
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I always thought that NASCAR could use cheerleaders, until I saw those “know the score” freecreditreport.com commercials with David Gilliland.

Dawn Morris
05/23/2007 07:57 AM
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Juan Pablo will be the official “punter” for every race.

Mike
05/23/2007 09:58 AM
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They’ve already got cheerleaders. DW and Larry Mac. They cheerlead for Hendrick Motorsports every race.

I got to thinking about the coin. If you’ve have Brian France’s face on one side and a horse’s butt on the other, wouldn’t that make it a two headed coin since nobody could tell the difference between the two?

J. Meyer
05/23/2007 10:51 AM
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Dawn! That is excellant! Why didn’t I think of that?! (You keep that up and you’ll put me out of a job!)

And Mike….Congrats! I wondered how long it would be before someone caught that about the coin! Well done!

Chris2
05/23/2007 01:36 PM
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Jeff, you have me confused with #9, “The official NASCAR coin will have the likeness of Brian’s face for heads and a horse’s butt for tails” Isn’t that a two headed coin at that point as the likeness of Brian’s face is that of a horses butt?

Chris2
05/23/2007 01:38 PM
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Darn..I must have missed Mike’s comment..;-) He beat me to it..

Philip B.
05/23/2007 03:56 PM
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How about each car has to pass 10 others every 4 laps or go to the back?

Tom
05/23/2007 08:45 PM
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Better yet. Every time there is a pass for the lead the flagman should throw the red flag and then the driver who is the new leader must stop at the start finish line, get out of his car and do a silly little knee shaking dance on the top of his car. Once done, the race can start until the next pass for the lead.

This would really be like the NFL is now.

 

Contact Jeff Meyer

Recent articles from Jeff Meyer:

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