Voices From the Heartland · Jeff Meyer · Wednesday June 20, 2007
Daytona Beach, FL – NASCAR CEO Brian France, lounging in his office on a large leather sofa, resplendent in his gold jeweled racing shorts, announced today the formation of a new organization within the sanctioning body tasked with enforcing the use of all things “Officially” NASCAR.
This new task force, officially named Brian's Omniscient Reform Group (BORG) will be responsible for making sure that every person on the property of an ISC-owned track with the expressed intent of watching, working at, participating in, or even walking by a NASCAR-sanctioned event complies with strict “Official Sponsor” guidelines.
For instance, only Budweiser (Official Beer), Coca-Cola (Official Soft Drink), Dasani (Official Water), Powerade (Official Sports Beverage), and Minute Maid (Official Juice) will be sold or consumed. All cameras and images carried onto the premises must be of Eastman Kodak (Official Film & Single Use Camera) origin. Every electronic device such as scanners, radios, mp3 players, etc. must be powered only by Duracell (Official Alkaline Battery). The list goes on and on and is not just limited to possessions brought on the property, but also to the people themselves.
"Our power to enforce the exclusivity of NASCAR's Official Sponsors and Partners is not, and will not be, limited only to what is brought onto our property, but will also extend to the individual's body as well," said France. "Each individual and his belongings will be subject to an extensive strip search upon entering the premises. Anyone found wearing, say, anything other than Old Spice (Official Antiperspirant & Deodorant) will be refused entry until such time that individual complies with the guidelines we have set forth according to the contracts we have in place at this time with our Official Sponsors. Our guidelines even cover the English language as well, to the point that the letters â€˜A', â€˜T' and the use of the symbol for â€˜and' are strictly prohibited at any sanctioned event." (An Official NASCAR Official Sponsor list can be found on the Frontstretch Message Board here)
It is expected that such strict compliance rules will increase the time it takes to enter the race track, but that, too, is part of the plan, according to France.
"The added time that it is expected to take to fill the stands will allow us, the sanctioning body, to have longer pre-race shows, time that we are expecting to sell for billions more dollars to our broadcasting partners. It is a win-win situation for all involved and will definitely be for the ultimate good of stock car racing as we know it," said France.
The newly created BORG will be staffed by OSAFR (Official Security Attachment For Racing, pronounced oss' a fer) which was created by France earlier this year. (See a previous BSNews column for more info) Staffing OSAFR will come with a hefty cost, but the expense of implementing such a grandiose plan is expected to be offset by a slight increase in all beverage prices at the track and the introduction of pay toilets and urinals.
Eventually, as further aspects of BORG are implemented, their powers of enforcement will not be limited to not only ISC property, but possibly your home as well.
"This has been in the works for years and years," said France. "Since the advent of microchip technology, each and every reproduction of the NASCAR-colored symbol has been embedded with a microchip. Once our reform group is at full staff, each of our 75 million plus fans will be cataloged and tracked. Those little NASCAR symbols that we have worked hard to put on as many products worldwide as possibleâ€¦each of those are the intellectual property of the sanctioning body. Possession of one implies that you are a Official Fan of NASCAR and are thereby required to pay certain royalties to the sanctioning body for the enjoyment of its possession."
"You all must realize that all of these changes will not only improve the sport of racing, but they will also make each and every one of you a better fan," France added. "Change in our sport and the way we do business to keep the sanctioning body viable is inevitable. Hopefully sooner, rather than later, fans worldwide will realize that resistance is futile."
BSNews. Your first thought is our first name!
Stay off the wall, (Note that no one named Busch was hated, defamed, insulted or otherwise defiled during the writing of this article)
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