As longtime readers of this column know, this space is sometimes given over to a fictional entity that I lovingly call BSNews.
BSNews is just what its name implies… pure BS. It is a satirical take on the often absurd world of NASCAR. Normally, if the world hadn’t gone completely mad sometime last week, the following topics would be ideal fodder for the fictional reporters at BSNews. Unfortunately, what you are about to read is absolutely, completely, utterly, cross my heart TRUE. It is no BS, even though that will be the first thought that crosses your mind as you read it.
On Monday, November 6th, a woman named Shirley Hill was witness to a vehicle that, in her estimation, was driving erratically and recklessly in a Daytona Beach parking lot. Ms. Hill promptly dialed 911 to report the actions of said vehicle.
In her statement to police, Ms. Hill says she witnessed the vehicle driving at a “very reckless speed” and hit a parked car. The vehicle then hit a tree and proceeded on to the parking garage of a nearby condominium, where a man exiting the vehicle “fell over his own feet” according to Ms. Hill.
Daytona Beach Police Chief, Mike Chitwood, describes Ms. Hill as a “very credible” witness and with good reason. She has no reason to lie. At this point she is just reporting to police what she has just seen. She would have no idea who the man driving the vehicle is.
The man in question is in fact, NASCAR CEO Brian France.
Officers of the Daytona Beach PD, who spent an hour and a half with France after they were called to the scene, said they DID NOT administer a field sobriety test to Mr. France because they had NO PROBABLE CA– USE! (This is where the thought, BS! enters the mind.)
France tells the officers the Coke (not a soda or a pop, but COKE) he was drinking, spilled in his lap, momentarily diverting his attention from the road while claiming he “bumped into something.”
So, to sum it all up, here you have two officers of the law, talking to a man for an hour and a half, who was just seen stumbling from his Lexus after hitting a parked car and a tree and looks like he just peed his pants. No probable cause? BS! Try that Coke excuse here in Iowa, Brian, or better yet, try it on some of Joe Arpaio’s deputies in Phoenix!
Was Brian France drunk? He knows the truth, I know the truth and so do millions of other NASCAR fans. We ain’t that stupid.
Police Chief Chitwood is investigating whether preferential treatment may have been given Mr. France because of his name and vows to terminate the officers involved if it was. My guess is, two ex-Daytona Beach Police officers will soon be given cushy jobs in NASCAR’s Security Department.
I wonder how many bonus points you get for mentioning Coke in an official police report. Too bad Bacardi is not an official NASCAR sponsor! And speaking of ‘Official NASCAR sponsorship,’
I’m in the checkout line at the local Wal-Mart Supercenter the other day, and what do I see? Among the items being bought by the lady in front of me is a large plastic bag with a checkered flag design with the NASCAR logo plastered on it. Naturally, being a senior writer for an immensely popular racing website, it caught my attention, and I moved in for a closer look.
What I saw totally blew my mind! There, moving down the rubber belt about to be scanned was an “Officially Licensed by NASCAR” 10-pound bag of RUSSET POTATOES! Yes, you read right. POTATOES!
So shocked was I, by the absurdity of Officially Licensed by NASCAR potatoes, I damn near spilled my Coke in my lap as I left the parking lot.
Stay off the wall, (and remember, don’t drink and drive! You might hit a bump and spill it!)