10. Dear Santa, I know I asked for a lot of candy last year, but this year, I have 28 reasons to want more. If you give me a sweet deal, I might jump all the way to Mars.
Always a good boy,
P.S. – I left you a Snickers bars and some hot chocolate out on the Ford. And don’t forget to grab some Pedigree for the reindeer!
9. Dear Santa, Remember me? Not too many NASCAR team owners do, either, and as a result, I have had to take a part-time job. This year, could you please bring me a competitive ride in any of the three big series?
P.S. – On the table is a Big Mac and fries left over from my last shift.
8. Dear Santa, You know I love my brother Kurt dearly, and his wife even more than that! Could you please bring me a better memory for 2007? Eva, errr, Erika, would be forever grateful.
Sincerely, Kyle (Mom’s favorite)
P.S.- I left you some cereal and milk on the mantle.
7. Dear Santa, I’ve tried to be a good boy all year. Sorry it didn’t work out at Chicagoland. But can you please bring the Matt Kenseth fans something really cool to get them off my back? Like, drop Kurt Busch down their chimneys so they can pick on HIM for a change. And tell my teammates to stop passing me, they’re making me look bad.
Yours, Jeff Gordon
P.S. – There’s milk, cookies and a couple of cans of DuPont’s best red (for the sleigh) on the table.
6. Dear Santa, I don’t really need anything this year. Except one thing. Can you do something about the commercials? Don’t young, hot women have fantasies about me? Can you put them in my commercials instead? I really need something to do in between takes.
P.S. – There’s milk, cookies, and some assorted Mopar parts for you on the table.
5. Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is some new front teeth.
Hugs, Kurt Busch (Mom’s favorite)
P.S. – Thanks for the ears and nose! I left you a cookie and three cans of Miller Lite. Drive safe, especially in Maricopa County.
4. Dear Santa, I know I haven’t really been a good boy this year. What fun would THAT be? Anyway, I need some new stuff. Three whoopie cushions, a can of itching powder, and a pack of exploding golf balls should do it. And while you’re at it, can you bring me one of those robot vacuums to clean up after the damn dog? My wife won’t get off my back about it.
Your naughty but nice friend, Kevin
P.S. – There’s Reeses on the table for you. Lots of them. They don’t agree with the dog.
3. Dear Mr. Claus, I have, as always, behaved myself this year. It was a great year and I’d like to thank my sponsor. But seriously, do I have to be so freakin’ PC all the time? Would it make me such a horrible person if I just said something that hadn’t been run through the PR mill, like a normal person? I just want people to like me. And while you’re at it, I could really use a roof rack. Just deliver it to my friend Mike Hampton. It’s for his golf cart.
P.S. – I left you some milk, cookies and a gift certificate for some lovely new tile on the table. Next to the big trophy. My wife kicked it out of bed.
2. Dear Santa, Thanks for the new red underwear you sent last year. This year, can you please bring me something to drink? As great as my sponsor’s product is, I have forgotten what all other beverages taste like.
Your friend, Junior
P.S. – I left you cookies and Bud on the kitchen table.
1. Dear Santa, Look, I’ll get right to the point. I’m not retiring. Ever. I want you to take back the rocking chair you left last year. And the cane from the year before. And all the Viagra – no, scratch that, I’ll keep that – and the t-shirt that says “old fart,” AND the prune juice. I don’t want any of them. See you at the track next year. And the year after that. And the year after that. And the year after that. And…
P.S. – There’s prune juice and cookies on the table. See if YOU can fly for four hours after drinking that stuff. Oh, and there’s a AAA membership for you too, in case Blitzen blows a motor.