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BSNews! (Or Is It?) France Vows to Uphold Integrity of the Penalties, Not the Sport

Daytona Beach, Fla. – Speaking from his golden throne in a mahogany-paneled stall just off his executive suite high above Daytona International Speedway, NASCAR CEO and self-appointed “King of Stock Car Racing” Brian France pontificated after hearing reports that recently suspended crew chiefs had been coaching their teams from surrounding high points at recent racing venues.

“We just had a meeting about that,” said France, forcing a grunt. “We will be, if that all is accurate, addressing that shortly.”

France went on to expound that, while he would prefer not to, the suspension of drivers may the next step in a rapidly growing list of consequences for inspection violations.

“We’d like not to get to [suspending drivers],” he said while fidgeting with some paperwork. “We’d like to make the deterrent, a portion of the penalty, significant enough that it isn’t necessary for us to do. But are we willing to go there? Of course we would. We’re not hoping to do that [though]. That’s sort of a death penalty.”

As he stood up from the throne and while paid attendants hurriedly adjusted his monogrammed Armani track suit, France said that in addition to raising the current fines and point deductions against teams found to be in violation of his edicts, NASCAR is actively pursuing other effective deterrents (ironically, it was later learned by BSNews that the attendants were named Mike and Robin.)

“It has come to our attention that many of the suspended crew chiefs are using their cell phones to call the shots from afar,” he said. “This simply will not do. From this point on, any crew member that is suspended by my court will be required to switch from their current cell provider to the Sprint/Nextel network.”

To explain to the average fan how this measure would be a certain deterrent, we here at BSNews know of no better explanation than the comments received to a recent article published on this very site concerning Sprint/Nextel.

“My roommate uses Nextel for work. He can’t even talk to someone two feet away, that’s how bad their service is. Our personal cell phones are Cingular/AT&T. Here’s a funny story about Nextel’s sucky service. I did the Richard Petty Driving Experience at LVMS. One of the guys working there was on his cell phone (Did you guess Nextel?) and he had to keep repeating himself to the person on the other end. I stood there and laughed.”

So there you have it. Brian France has found the ultimate solution to the problem of crew members violating the integrity of his penalties… a solution that is sure to sit very well with the top series’ entitlement sponsor as it increases their customer base and, at the same time, demonstrates the King’s loyalty to them.

“I shall not have the integrity of my penalties violated,” said France as he adjusted the rear of his track suit pants. “We feel very strongly that we’re going to be very, very tough on people that test us with the Car of Tomorrow. The whole premise is built around not being able to do much fudging with the car. Sort of like these pants, ”

BSNews! Your first thought is our first name. (But think again. Is it really?)

Stay off the wall, (And off the phone if you are suspended!)

Jeff Meyer

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