10. Remove about 20,000 seats.
9. Offer the OJ Simpson Driving Experience, complete with a free pair of driving gloves (they fail to fit, by the way).
8. Plant lettuce and other forms of produce in the infield, and tape an application for harvesters on every seat.
7. Replace all ISC-owned concessions and Wolfgang Puck’s restaurant with In & Out Burger stands.
6. Make all tickets available to only Darlington-area fans, with the promise that Brian France will personally greet each fan as they enter the Speedway.
5. Move the race back to Darlington, but rename it “California Speedway” for the weekend.
4. Offer a free Race Day Experience to all “washed up,” “overrated,” “self-inflated” and “childhood” stars, actors, and entertainers.
3. Require all ticket purchases to be by National Rifle Association members, and feature Rosie O’Donnell as the pre-race entertainment.
2. Schedule a NFL preseason game to be played in the infield during the Cup race.
1. Schedule Hillary Clinton as entertainment and sell tickets only to Republicans. Remember, all festivities to coincide with the harvest of the infield tomato crop!
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