Las Vegas, Nev. – After suffering an extremely hard hit to the backstretch infield wall this past Sunday in Las Vegas, Jeff Gordon called on track owner Bruton Smith to fix what he called a serious problem.
“Bruton, you need a soft wall, and to change the wall back there on the back straightaway,” said Gordon. “Thankfully, Brian France builds an unbelievable racecar, because that’s the hardest I’ve ever hit.”
Vegas officials were quick to react to Gordon’s statements.
“We began evaluating that section of the speedway today,” said Las Vegas Motor Speedway officials, presumably speaking on Bruton’s behalf. “As we have done since the SAFER barrier program began, we will work with NASCAR and we will do whatever it recommends.”
And just what does NASCAR recommend? BSNews senior reporter Jack Sophalotte asked Brian France during a recent phone interview.
BSNews: Mr. France, what is NASCAR’s stance concerning Gordon’s recent statements about LVMS?
BF: Gordon, Gordon, hmmm, that name sounds familiar. What did he say? Bruton needs a new wall? I’m not familiar with this Bruton guy, but if Gordon says he needs a new wall, he must really need one. Yes! That is what I, NASCAR, I mean, recommend. Bruton must build a new wall. What a silly name; Bruton! Where is Las Vegas Motor Speedway, anyway? Isn’t that out in Utah somewhere?
BSNews: Uhhhh, no, Mr. France. It’s in Las Vegas, Nevada.
BF: Nevada!? Do they have a football team there? Doesn’t matter. This Bruton fellow must build a new wall and – make sure you get this point right – he must pay for it. I’m not about to pay for another man’s wall. Alright, I must go now. Time for my nap.
Las Vegas, Nev. – BSNews reporter Stu Padasso reports that NASCAR star Greg Biffle, while shopping in Las Vegas, was reportedly involved in a fracas at a local clothing store while attempting to buy a pair of jeans. Details are sketchy, but Biffle was reported to have had quite an opinion about the store.
“There shouldn’t be any Gaps anywhere,” Biffle said.
However, it should be noted that Greg may be willing to try again the next time he is in town.
“You can’t say we don’t have the time or money to do it, because we’re coming back here next year and going to shop again.”
Washington, D.C. – In a special report filed by BSNews‘ very own Ima Phullofit, it appears the main focus of the U.S. government may soon be turned on America’s Fastest Growing Sport.
Unidentified sources have confirmed that in the near future, there will be a Senate hearing investigating the use of steroids – as well as the practice of signal stealing in NASCAR.
“Obviously, there is a problem right now in NASCAR that needs to be addressed,” said Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter when questioned about the hearing. “Carl Edwards, as everyone by now knows, is perhaps the buffest NASCAR driver ever. He has won two races in a row, doing backflips off racecars, all kinds of weird stuff. That is just not normal behavior for a racecar driver. We need to look into that. These people are supposed to be role models; they should have beer bellies and bad manners. But believe me when I tell you, as soon as we can get all the members of the Senate Hearing Committee into the clinic to get the proper immunizations, we’re going to get to the bottom of this.”
And what about alleged signal stealing?
“Well again, to us here in the government, it is quite obvious. Dale Earnhardt Jr. moves to a new team after years of mediocrity; he is now teammates with a four-time champion and the current reigning two-time champion. Suddenly, he is running up front all the time while the past champions are nowhere in sight. Members of that organization – and, of course, I cannot name names at this time – have contacted my office with some valid concerns. They feel that some in the Junior camp have been recording radio transmissions and using other methods, such as asking questions, to gain an unfair advantage over their teammates,” said Specter.
Those teammates, Gordon and Jimmie Johnson – seen huddled in a corner together, pointing and sneering in the direction of No. 88 car – apparently had no comment on the issue. Every time BSNews reporters tried to approach the duo, they would abruptly stop talking and run off to another corner of the garage.
“Heck, we ain’t been stealing no signals,” said Dale Jr. “Jeff’s a good guy. He knows. Him and my dad were pretty close. He knows how these things work. He’s been around. Some days you’re good, some days you ain’t. Jimmie, on the other hand, I think he may be having a hard time dealing with us and our success. He’s not used to being second fiddle in this here band. He’ll come around eventually. Pretty soon, he’ll get used to it, and won’t even raise his eyebrow at us.”
BSNews! Your first thought is our first name!
Stay off the wall,
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