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Top 10 Reasons Rolling Stone Should Stick To Writing About Rock Stars – Not Tony Stewart

10. Tony Stewart probably doesn’t even know who Dr. Hook is.

9. “…A cloud of greasy black smoke from Jimmie Johnson‘s celebratory rubber burn wafts over…” Black smoke from a burnout? Ain’t never seen that!

8. The article is more conveniently slanted than the corners at Bristol.

7. The only instrument Stewart could possibly play is the radio – and even that leaves him winded.

6. “…He throws sh*t against the wall. He curses…” Yeah, especially after that win at Watkins Glen a couple years ago where he soiled his suit!

5. Needless expense of adding double fold cover to show Stewart’s complete butt.

4. Some guys look good with rock & roll-style long hair. Other guys are Tony Stewart.

3. “Before each race, when drivers ride around the track on the backs of pickup trucks and wave at the crowds, none are greeted with so thick a barrage of hate as Stewart.” Guess the author never heard of the Busch brothers.

2. “They arrive weeks before the race and build shantytowns of dually pickup trucks, beat-up Winnebagos, tarps, tents and gleaming motor coaches…” Um, make that one week… maybe. Every self-respecting, southern redneck knows you can get a couple more batches of ‘shine done if you don’t come that early!

1. You’re never going to get Kate Hudson to agree to star in a movie as a “long-legged, doe-eyed” pit-lizard trying to scrog Stewart.