10) Instruct Jeff to imagine that there is a hard-boiled egg under the gas pedal.
9) Attach transponders to middle fingers of Gordon-haters, giving the No. 24 a lap every time an anti-fan expresses feelings.
8) Seek out Wrigley Field goat for sacrifice following “Wrigley Stadium” blunder.
7) Team finds motorsports zen guru and meditates profoundly and deeply to find answers hidden within themselves regarding proper balance of temperament, self-confidence, and chassis adjustments.
6) Paint car blue and put a number 48 on it.
5) Demand that NASCAR slow down engines of other manufacturers – given the history, there’s a good chance they’ll listen.
4) Quicken pitstops by cutting down number of lug nuts to two per wheel.
3) Motivate team with nude photos of Rosie O’Donnell displayed everywhere in shop until performance improves.
2) After being forced below the yellow line, pass for the lead anyway.
1) Two words: Ingrid Withholds.
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