10. Jimmie Johnson wins the now totally worthless Bud Shootout, is crowned 2009 Cup champion after the race, and Brian France cancels the rest of the meaningless season in his ultimate plan to cut costs for the rest of the teams.
9. The rest of the world finally realizes that I am right and recognizes NASCAR for what it has become — IROC, with a lot of non-champions.
8. Mark Martin kicks Johnson’s ass! On the track and off!
7. Bill Weber develops season long lock-jaw.
6. Tony Stewart crashes out early in the Bud Shootout… just because NASCAR went to such great lengths to get him in.
5. Michael Waltrip hires Chad Knaus away from Hendrick to be his crew chief.
4. Mauricia Grant teams up with Bruton Smith, and they make the Frances an offer they can’t refuse.
3. The new ideas NASCAR is going to come up with to hide empty seats.
2. Kyle Busch follows in his big brother’s footsteps into a life of mediocrity.
1. Barack Obama picks Brian France to be his Secretary of Screwing Up Anything Good, thus saving NASCAR and realizing Brian’s true calling all at the same time.