10. Let them use the newly named “Robby Gordon Memorial Shortcut” through the infield so they stay more competitive.
9. Instead of a ‘remote kill’ switch, such as used in monster truck events, NASCAR will install a ‘remote start’ switch and let some kid with a remote control finish the race.
8. Start referring to them not as ‘start-and-parkers’, because Mike Helton doesn’t like that term, but rather TCCs (Teams Competitively Challenged).
7. Can NASCAR do anything anyway? “Sure we can,” said vice president of competition and stupid statements, Robin Pemberton. “If somebody says the motor was sputtering due to a fuel pump problem, we can take it apart and look at it.” Why not START IT UP AND SEE, Robin!?
6. Ask Brian France what to do about it and institute the exact opposite.
5. Shorten most races by 480 miles or 480 laps and issue everyone “Participation Trophies.”
4. Publicly say they are cracking down but privately call teams and ask them to do it.
3. Institute a “Park and Ride” initiative, putting start-and-parkers in with other top-tier drivers so they get the feel for a full race and won’t be so scared next time.
2. Not a damn thing.
1. Put up TWO “No Start and Park” signs in each pit… akin to a double yellow line.