NASCAR Race Weekend Central

Top 10 Ways Tony Stewart Will Spend His Million

10. A new, and this time housebroken, monkey.

9. FINALLY pay off in full the group of psychologists for his anger management sessions – including the medical bills for the black eye given to one of them.

8. Hire a goon to beat up people who still call him “Anthony.”

7. Saving $25,000 for his next win, because just saying “bulls***” in victory lane just felt so good.

6. A much better AJ Foyt mask for Halloween.

5. Provide more bailout assistance for GM to help celebrate his return.

4. New and larger shower facilities at Eldora Speedway, eliminating social discomfort of sweaty drivers and crew having to share following the Prelude race.

3. Establish a “Future Pardon Fund” for his business partners, just in case a Clinton someday gets elected again.

2. Buy out Frontstretch so he can fire me for this list.

1. That Russian Babe in the Old Spice commercial!

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