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BSNews! NASCAR Releases List! Random Morality Testing to Begin Immediately

In light of recent events that took place last week during the Nationwide race in Nashville, Tenn., during which two sponsor reps from one team claim a racial slur was directed at their driver by an opposing crew chief after a pit-lane collision, NASCAR officials have decided to crack down… and crack down hard!

After gathering secondhand information on the incident, NASCAR has indefinitely suspended the crew chief in question under Section 12-1 (actions detrimental to stock car racing) of the NASCAR Penciled-In Penal Code and sentenced him to completion of “Sensitivity Training.” NASCAR’s actions, however, do not stop there.

“Let me address this head on,” said Brian France at a recent press conference. “This name calling, as I understand it, something said about someone’s ‘N’ationality, for we are a sport of many, must not be happening and will not happen on my watch, which is a Rolex and that is Swiss, I think, so you see, we in this sport are very diverse. While mine may be Swiss, yours is probably a Casio or something, which I believe is Japanese, just like the Camry. We are all very diverse, but we must learn to get along with one another.”

“In light of the recent incident, which is why I am talking to you now, we here at NASCAR have developed a list,” France continued. “This list is not about drugs, but a moral list. A list of things that may not be said or even thought about saying to another competitor if that competitor is of a National origin. I cannot go into the list here, for many of the things on it are far too ghastly to even think about saying. However, that list, as I understand it, will be handed out to select members of the media, especially members of a national origin, so that they may help us police our sport.”

So, not only has NASCAR finally published a list of what and/or whom may (or may not be) called what, but they plan to enforce that list by what is officially being called NASCAR’s Immediate Culling and Cessation of Evil Racial Slurs (NICCERS); or, as it is more casually called, “Random Morality Testing.”

“Under our NICCERS plan, anyone that has anything to do with NASCAR may be tested at anytime. The test may include, but is not limited to… for we do not want to paint ourselves in the proverbial corner, staged incidents designed to enrage the testee,” explained France. “How the testee responds to such stimuli will determine whether they pass or fail. Furthermore, we reserve the right to place hidden listening devices wherever we see fit to ensure compliance to our thought policies. As I said earlier, we are very diverse and, with the current economic times, we may be forced to embrace even more other national companies into our sport. We simply will not abide by any name calling what so ever! Thanks to NICCERS, we are confident we can nip this in the bud.”

According to the handouts distributed at the end of the press conference, one of which BSNews obtained from a nearby recycling basket, the list is quite specific. It states:

“Anyone who competes, works for, attends, watches, or even has remotely heard of NASCAR say, be heard saying, imply or be thought to be implying, think or even be suspected of thinking of calling anyone of a nationality any of the following (or any of any number of things NASCAR may think to add at its discretion and at any time): the A word, the B word, the C word (in the event there should be a woman competitor), the D word, the E word, the F word, the G word, the H word, the I word, the J word, the K word, the L word, the M word, the N word, the O word, the P word, the Q word, the R word, the S word, the T word, the U word, the V word, the W word, the X word, the Y word and the Z word. (This list is NOT all-inclusive, and may be changed at anytime without notice.)”

“Anyone found in violation of this policy will be subject to any or all of the following: suspension, public humiliation, caning, sensitivity training, or anything else NASCAR can think of until such time NASCAR officials feel they (the perpetrator) have had enough.”

While things may change in the future, France assured those who asked, much to their relief, that it is still OK to call Kyle Busch a “punk-ass-mother-f&$*@r” whenever he wins for the time being.

“If it is all strung together, we do not, as of yet, have a category for that,” said France.

Remember… BSNews! Your first thought is our first name!

Stay off the wall!

Stu Paddasso

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