NASCAR Race Weekend Central

Voices from the Heartland: If Only the Tony Stewart/Burger King Test Was a NASCAR Mandate

This last Tuesday, Burger King and Tony Stewart held a very special live “web event.” In case you missed it, basically what happened was Burger King strapped Tony to a chair, hooked him up to a lie detector, and asked him several questions.

While the whole premise to this thing was to find out if Tony really did love Whoppers, they also fielded numerous questions sent in by ordinary (and some “not so ordinary”) people from around the country.

For instance, we now know that Tony does in fact own a pair of “Estrada sunglasses”! We know that Tony has gone “commando” in his fire suit during a race, a fact that he unsuccessfully tried to lie about and one that will forever raise disturbing mental images every time we see him race in the future. One can only hope that he uses plenty of Old Spice deodorant before a race should any of his future firesuits be auctioned off for charity….

Anyways, while this web event was for fun, and we know that Tony does, in fact, love the Whopper, imagine the implications should more sponsors follow suit in a quest for “truth in advertising!” But wait, let’s not just limit this to sponsors; why not get the fans involved, too, and strap Brian France to a chair and see what his results are? From the drivers to the crew chiefs and on up to the top brass, lie-detector tests could possibly bring back at least a portion of integrity to the sport.

Heck, it could also possibly be used to improve the ratings as well. Imagine, instead of two hours of mindless pre-race BS that we must endure every week, you hooked up three or four “NASCAR entities” and asked them questions about the latest topics of the past week! You could pose mostly yes or no questions to them that we really want the answers to. For instance…

(Asked of an official at NASCAR’s R&D center) NASCAR official, were the Hendrick cars that were measured after Dover, in fact, legal?

Brian France, have you ever violated NASCAR’s substance abuse policy in the last five years?

Greg Biffle, did you intentionally run into Joey Logano in a recent Nationwide race?

NASCAR official in the tower, have you ever been instructed by a “higher authority” to call a caution when none was warranted?

Brian France, when making a decision about changing a major facet of NASCAR, is your decision based on what is good for the sport or the family pocketbook?

Jeremy Mayfield, are the accusations against you concerning drug use true?

(Any driver), have you ever been told by NASCAR to spout the party line or else?

Richard Petty, do you wear the hat and sunglasses even in bed?

Jimmie Johnson, if Kobalt tools had not been given to you, would you be using them?

Carl Edwards, is the “Cousin Carl” or “Opie” image that you have contrived, or is it the real you?

Jeff Gordon, would you like to see a return to something that more closely resembles the old points system and do away with the Chase?

Fan, which is the most decisive thing that has kept you from attending races: the economy, or the perception of gross corporate greed in NASCAR?

Of course, this list could go on and on. Does Mark Martin really prefer Cheerios for breakfast? Has Kevin Conway really taken ExtenZe? Does Stewart also like a Big Mac now and then? What do YOU want to know?

A weekly or even a monthly lie-detector session with the figures in this sport would sure go a long way with the fans! On the other hand, it might put a lot of journalists out of work, too. After all, if we all knew the truth, what would there be to write about?

Stay off the wall (and outta the “hot seat!”)

Jeff Meyer

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