NASCAR Race Weekend Central

Top Ten Things That, With His Luck, Will Happen to Jeff Gordon Next

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#11. Fell asleep on the grid after a sleepless night involving a recurring nightmare about this clown wearing a beard…

*10.* Entire pit crew kidnapped by space aliens midrace.

*9.* In a fit of rage, Kurt Busch slugs him after mistaking him for a reporter.

*8.* DuPont sponsorship replaced by Planter’s Peanuts; contract requires the No. 24 Chevy to be painted bright green. New contract also requires Jeff to wear the “Mr. Peanut” suit (complete with top hat and monocle).

*7.* Overheard on flight recorder by airport control near Pocono: “%$#%^!! I hope that piano doesn’t land on anything important!”

*6.* From a clear blue sky, a bolt of lightning sets his car on fire on the starting grid.

*5.* Discovers too late that the Porta-potty he visited pre-race has a sticky latch on the door.

*4.* “And in a stunning turn of events, a giant sink hole has opened up on the backstretch, bringing out the red flag! We’ll hear more from Jeff Gordon, who was leading when the hole opened up… uh, oh, what happened to Jeff Gordon? Does anyone see the No. 24?…”

*3.* Kurt Busch still somehow finds a way to beat him in Pocono.

*2.* Four-leaf clover found in Gordon’s car inexplicably confiscated as part of NASCAR’s drug testing policy.

*1.* Rabbit missing a foot files lawsuit to get it back … and wins.

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