NASCAR Race Weekend Central

Top Ten Reasons Dodge is Really Leaving NASCAR

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*10.* MOPAR engines only work their best when fully carbureted. Screw this fuel injection crap, we’re outta here!

*9.* Tired of incessant comparisons to “Dodge-Em” bumper cars every stinking time someone used the chrome horn.

*8.* “NASCAR? We don’t need no stinking NASCAR!”

*7.* Top execs running the company DO have ADHD–we’re in! We’re out! We’re in again! We’re out!–and were afraid they too would test positive for Adderall.

Top 10 Improvements Pocono Raceway Should Make Next

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*10.* Loop-de-loop that doubles as Turn 4. We know it can be done after “Tanner Foust and Greg Tracy did it at the X Games!”:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0Y8tmRYYiA

*9.* Giant sinkhole placed on the outside groove of the Tunnel Turn. Hey, it’s the drivers’ fault for saying it’s gotten too easy!

*8.* Pace car replaced by herd of local deer. Cars must follow regardless of where they wind up.

*7.* Blindfold the leader every 50 laps and see just how good his spotter really is.

Top Ten Possible Results of the Infamous ‘B’ Pee Sample

*10.* Positive; AJ is suspended indefinitely or until Brian France feels he’s “learned his lesson.

*9.* Negative; AJ is instantly re-instated, throws a huge party with noted guests Dale, Jr. and Shane Hmiel, and is invited by Brian to provide samples ‘A’ and ‘B’ The Sequel.

*8.* Negative; NASCAR asserts that the samples were tampered with and suspends AJ anyway.

*7.* Positive; AJ accepts his fate, along with a HUGE payoff from Penske and Ford, retires to mountain villa with his wife allowing Matt Kenseth to take over the #22 Ford.

Top Ten First Tweets From Keelan Harvick

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*10.* I’m not even a month old and already I’ve got an offer to replace the E-Trade baby in this year’s Super Bowl commercial

*9.* No, Dad, actually I doubt I’ll be ready to run the Legends race at Daytona this February.

*8.* Do you get frequent flyer miles if your dad owns the plane? Hello Cancun!

*7.* If you cry long enough eventually Dad will but Budweiser in your bottle… #Imontothem

Top Ten Items NASCAR Hasn’t Caught This Year During Post-Race Inspection

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*10.* Keselowski’s dash-mounted beer injection system.

*9.* Danica’s super-sized restrictor plate (3 times).

*8.* The fully functional “Oil Slick” and “Nails” buttons Kyle Busch had installed in the 18 car a la James Bond. Bwaaahhahaha so that’s why Jeff Gordon keeps blowing tires…

Top Ten Ways Richard Petty Celebrated His 75th Birthday

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*10.* Signed autographs for members of the Level Cross Volunteer Fire Company after they tried lighting the candles on his cake

*9.* Vowed to stop telling his son to “get a haircut and get a real job!”

*8.* Gave those young whippersnappers Ambrose and Almirola a good old fashioned finger-wagging talk…just because he could.

*7.* Had a kickass time in the water park at Victory Junction Gang Camp.

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