Race Weekend Central

Top Ten Reasons For the 22 Speeding Penalties at Pocono

*10.* With so few cautions this season drivers have simply forgotten proper pitting procedures under yellow.

*9.* Track maintenance screw forgot to spray that pesky beehive someone spotted along pit road.

*8.* Too much pre-race Red Bull.

Top Ten Things That, With His Luck, Will Happen to Jeff Gordon Next

*10.* Entire pit crew kidnapped by space aliens midrace.

*9.* In a fit of rage, Kurt Busch slugs him after mistaking him for a reporter.

*8.* DuPont sponsorship replaced by Planter’s Peanuts; contract requires the No. 24 Chevy to be painted bright green. New contract also requires Jeff to wear the “Mr. Peanut” suit (complete with top hat and monocle).

Top Ten Excuses Kurt Busch Might Give For His Latest Antics

*10.* He was still upset Newt Gingrich dropped out of the Presidential race.

*9.* Confused Ryan Newman with that Lexus one of his Penske engineers used to drive. Just wanted to come by and say “hello.”

*8.* Been hanging out at Jeremy Mayfield’s place a lot lately… oh that’s right, Jeremy doesn’t have a place anymore.

Top 10 Rejected NASCAR Racetrack Nicknames

*10.* Pocono: Because We Can’t Count to 4.

*9.* Sears Point: No Whiners, Just Wine.

*8.* Charlotte: Bruton… or Humpy… Will Leave The Lights On For You. We’re not quite sure.

*7.* Homestead: Who Needs the Lady In Black? We’ve Got Old Guys in Speedos!

Top 10 Reasons for the Lack of Cautions in 2012

*10.* Juan Pablo Montoya thinks the jet drier should count for ten cautions, so he’s done wrecking people for half the year.

*9.* Jimmy Spencer is sitting home on a couch. And so is Robby Gordon… and Buckshot Jones…

*8.* Someone finally told Kyle Busch that “through the field” wasn’t supposed to be taken literally.

Top Ten Things To Be Said For The Race At Texas

*10.* The NASCAR season started already?

*9.* The green flag runs were so long, Al Roker reported that some of the recent tornadoes in the area were traced to Darrell Waltrip’s “vortex” theory.

*8.* I was able to watch a rose bloom from my front porch.

*7.* No overtime for the race track wall painter this week.

Top Ten Things NASCAR Drivers Got From the Easter Bunny

*10.* For Dale Earnhardt Jr. – A spot in the All-Star race. (Like he wasn’t going to win the fan vote anyway.)

*9.* For Jeff Gordon – A new razor to get rid of whatever that is he’s trying to grow on his chin.

*8.* For Dave Blaney – A number to call his own.

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